2nd Annual STBS Nebraska Football Preview

You know those mornings when you wake up in your bathtub with one shoe on and a stray dog is in your apartment barking at the burnt pizza in your oven?

If so, get help, but you know what 2014 was like as a Husker football fan. You, like me, were probably confused the entire time and that’s alright. In case you missed it we fired that one angry guy and we hired a TOTAL BRO.

Now that you’ve emerged from your six-month Big Red offseason hangover, I have all the answers. Even if we finished with 9 wins like I predicted last year, every prediction was pretty bad and I still have no idea what I’m doing.

Here’s a playlist to enjoy the ride:

Let’s do it.

Game 1: vs. BYU

Let’s run down the names of the players on each team and then we’ll get into predictions.

BYU
– Squally Canada
– Sione Takitaki (say it out loud)
– Moose Bingham
– Jackson Kaka (you know, like poop)

‘Skers
– Tommy Armstrong
– Nate Gerry (Two first names. Ricky Bobby.)
– Freedom Akinmoladun
– Vincent Valentine

We have better names and therefore will win on principal.

Prediction: 24-20

Game 2: vs. South Alabama

They’re like normal Alabama, but Jaguars, south and not as good. We’ll leave it at that.

Prediction: 48-13

Game 3: at Miami

The first road stop in Coach Spicoli’s tenure at Nebraska runs through Miami, a city known for hard drugs, weird parties and people who talk funny. It’s a classier Iowa. Running back Duke Johnson is gone now and so are head coach Al Golden’s hopes of winning a respectable number of football games. The only notable returning player on a team that went 6-7 last year is Brad Kaaya, who presumably spent the entire offseason taking Zoolander a little too seriously.

Nebraska takes this one, because football is more than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking.

Prediction: 38-20

Game 4: vs. Southern Miss

Southern Miss will be lucky to win two games in 2015 and one of those is definitely not going to come against Nebraska. They are a sad excuse for a football team and the ghost of Brett Favre’s jorts won’t be able to save them. This is the game when both sides of the ball on Coach Spicoli’s team start clicking.

Prediction: 62-13

Game 5: at Illinois

As if having to battle a mumps outbreak during the offseason wasn’t bad enough, the season starts in a week and they just fired their head coach for being mean to players. L. O. L.

For old times’ sake:

Prediction: 48-10

Game 6: vs. Wisconsin

Three out of the four times we’ve played Wisconsin it ended very badly. I’ve grown accustomed to being a mixture of sad, angry and inebriated halfway through the third quarter at this point.

Lucky for us, Wisconsin also picked up a new head coach, because their old head coach took the job our current head coach didn’t want anymore. Now wisconsin has Paul Chryst, who looks like the human equivalent of a melted ice cream cone.

Based on experience I can safely say a human head coach is better than an ice cream cone with a headset, but it’s Wisconsin so who the hell knows.

Nebraska plays Bo Pelini-style weirdball and somehow nabs a win.

Prediction: 17-13

Game 7: at Minnesota

Minnesota was the Bushwood Gopher to our Bill Murray last year. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t kill any of the golfers gophers on the field. Something tells me that this might be the first loss of the season. HOWEVER: This is my blog and I don’t have enough time for “logic” or “critical thinking” here.

COACH SPICOLI THROWS DOWN ON GARRISON KEILLOR’S TURF, SON.

Prediction: 34-16

Game 8: vs. Northwestern

Northwestern alum and ESPN sports business reporter Darren Rovell is the most hated personality in the sports Twitterverse. Twitter has treated Nebraska well with Faux Pelini, so expect Nebraska to say thank you by beating Rovell’s school. We typically have a tough time with Northwestern because they’re pretty smart and I expect that trend to continue.

Prediction: 21-7

Game 9: at Purdue

Purdue Pete is a giant football playing, railroad working, hammer-wielding, nightmare-inducing murderous plaster man baby and he must be stopped. Nebraska saves the day.

Prediction: 44-10

Game 10: vs. Michigan State

“WOAH. SAM. YOU HAVE NEBRASKA ON A NINE-GAME WINNING STREAK GOING INTO NOVEMBER. YOUR HOT TAKES ARE TOO DAMN HOT.”

I know. I know. I need to cool down. Michigan State is really good and Nebraska took advantage of a relatively soft schedule for two months. But you know what?

WHY THE HELL STOP NOW LET’S KEEP IT GOING

“Hey Coach Spicoli! How many more games until we have another national title???”

Prediction: 27-24 (OT)

Game 11: at Rutgers

That Jersey Shore clip is everything you need to know about the Rutgers student body, fan base, coaching staff, player personnel and offensive scheme. WE WIN AGAIN FOR SOME REASON.

Prediction: 30-24

Game 12: vs. Iowa

Iowa is stupid. Nebraska wins and completes an undefeated season in defiance of God and Kirk Herbstreit.

Prediction: 51-38 (whatever)

*BONUS*

Big 10 Championship: vs. Ohio State

A preview:

Ohio State wins 48-17

Understanding the Arthur Ashe Courage Award and Caitlyn Jenner

I want to provide some context and background for people getting upset over Caitlyn Jenner’s selection as this year’s ESPYs Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

– There was no nomination or finalist process for the award and nobody came in second place. The double amputee veteran and the athletes who fought cancer should and will receive awards/recognition for their courage displayed through sports.
– The award’s namesake, tennis player Arthur Ashe, is believed to have contracted HIV from a blood transfusion in the 1980’s. He went on to educate hundreds of thousands of people about HIV/AIDS before his death in 1992.
– Some of the award’s past recipients include cancer patients, fallen U.S. soldiers, LGBTQ advocates, athletes who overcame physical impairments and civil rights activists.
– Many of the recipients have one thing in common: they were symbols of a larger struggle or exemplified what it meant to display courage in a trying time.
– Ashe fought off homophobic misconceptions about HIV in a time when people knew very little about the disease, Dean Smith was an advocate for desegregation in athletics at a time when it was more popular to be racist in the American South, Pat Tillman laid down his life to serve in what turned out to be seen as an unnecessary and unpopular war, Michael Sam came out as a gay man in a masculine sport in the midst of a nationwide fight for LGBTQ rights.
– Caitlyn Jenner is a symbol of a larger struggle or pressing issue of the time: expression of one’s true self in the face of public ridicule and violence. Like award winners before her, many didn’t ask to be in their particular circumstances, but how they handled it and what they stood for made them courageous in their own respects.
– As you will see in the video below, it is not only difficult for people who have different sexual orientations or struggle with their gender identities to find a welcoming place in today’s world, it can be deadly.
– Whether or not you agree with ESPN’s choice to honor Caitlyn Jenner as this year’s award winner, the least you can do is acknowledge or respect the ongoing fight she and millions of others are a part of right now.
– Bringing the focus of the sports world onto a pressing issue is what the Ashe award is all about. Whether you think Caitlyn Jenner fits that mold is up to you.

Je Suis Charlie

I consider myself lucky to be a frequent victim of writer’s block.

When I can’t get words out on paper, it’s because I am struggling to find an efficient way to transmit a message, not because I live in fear of the fact that the words that make it onto the page could result in my death.

Twelve people were killed and 11 were injured in the Wednesday morning attack on French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo because they were also unafraid. They were cartoonists, writers and editors when they went into an editorial meeting that day in Paris, but became martyrs of free speech when they left the building in body bags.

The creative minds behind Charlie Hebdo’s controversial, outrageous and sometimes disparaging works pulled no punches. No ethnicity, public figure, religion or ideology was exempt from their editorial brush and keystrokes and that is easy to see on each of their covers.

The loud color pallet in their works gave life to ideas as well as the names of authors proudly attached to words and images on every page. They wore their work not only on their sleeves, but proudly across their chests for the world to see even if anyone took offense with the content.

The men who felt it was their calling to silence these minds with gunfire covered their faces in cloth void of color and ran away when the deed was done.

Any person who hides from their actions in such a way shows the world they are in fact the ones living in fear.

In the days, weeks, months and years following the attack, journalists and writers should not feel threatened to share their ideas. They should feel empowered as it makes those who oppose democracy as an institution and the principal of free speech that drives it live in fear. The only way for opponents to confront their fear is to hide behind a weapon to fight a war they can never win, because ideas cannot be killed.

Take every opportunity to share the truths you hold dear with the world whether it be through words, images, song or dance. If one should come across an opposing viewpoint, thank that person who shared their stance and take pride in the fact that a dialogue and not violence was born out of a simple disagreement.

“I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” – Voltaire

I am Charlie.

B1G-time Buyer’s Remorse

I have been exposed to a lot of SEC football since moving to College Station, Tex. in August and I’ve loved every second of it.

Sure, I rarely see Big 10 football when the regional broadcasts here are dedicated to the SEC and Texas teams in the Big 12. But here’s the thing: I don’t have a problem with missing out on B1G contests when the Huskers aren’t involved.

Can you blame me?

The Michigan-Michigan State rivalry game Saturday afternoon isn’t what it used to be and State rolled to an easy victory. Ohio State barely beat a pretty bad, rebuilding Penn State team in overtime. Wisconsin spanked Maryland as expected. Nebraska beat up on Rutgers. Not very exciting television at a time of the year conferences should be playing their best football.

Later that night, ESPN aired very entertaining games on three different channels featuring ranked teams including a nail-biter with Ole Miss and LSU. It’s not because ESPN is biased toward the SEC. They anticipate SEC teams playing good games against one another and they put them on the air. The B1G could have the same thing if they put forth a decent on-field product, but that hasn’t happened since Nebraska joined.

It’s important to think about what kind of product each conference is putting on national broadcasts because television is a big reason why the whole conference shakeup that put Nebraska in the B1G happened in the first place.

The 42-24 victory over Rutgers made it very clear to me that Nebraska made a huge mistake by leaving the Big 12 for the B1G in 2011.

My claims are all made under the assumption that the talent levels of the teams would not have changed as a result of their moves and things progressed since 2011 to the way they are now.

First, a brief, dumbed down history lesson as to how this all happened.

1. Everyone got really mad at the University of Texas when they announced a $300 million T.V. deal with ESPN to launch the Longhorn network.

2. Teams who don’t like (vehemently opposed/hated) Texas, such as Nebraska, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Mizzou and Texas A&M all threatened to leave the Big 12 because of the supposed unfair advantage it would give UT (Or T.U. depending on where you’re from) in promoting the Longhorn brand.

3. Colorado bolted to form the Pac-12 with Utah for some reason, but who cares. It’s Colorado.

4. Nebraska follows suit and announced they would leave for the B1G after that whole :01 conspiracy (There was one second left on the clock, people. Get over it.) left a bad taste in our mouths, so we bolted.

5. Texas A&M and Mizzou both cut ties with the Big 12 conference a year after Nebraska over their alleged favoritism toward Texas to join the SEC, which turned out to be really good moves for the two schools. Nebraska, not so much.

Now, let’s imagine a world in which everything stayed the same and the NCAA football conference alignment as it stood in 2011 remained the same to this day.

After the announcement of Nebraska’s move to the B1G, school administrators pointed to their new home as a more prestigious academic conference than the Big 12, which is true, but Nebraska actually put a dent in the B1G’s academic prestige by losing their membership with the American Association of Universities shortly after joining the conference. Nebraska is the only B1G member without AAU affiliation. Meanwhile at the Big 12, Texas A&M and Texas are two of the largest public research institutions in the country as AAU affiliates with Kansas, Colorado, Mizzou and Iowa State also being members. By leaving the Big 12, academically, Nebraska became the proverbial red-headded stepchild of the B1G.

Administrators can say just about anything to justify the move, but it all came down to TV money. ESPN was about to hurl money grenades at Texas and Nebraska saw an opportunity to make some cash (but not nearly as much) by getting in on the B1G Network. Having television exposure through conference-operated networks can be a recruiting advantage depending on what kind of media market you’re involved in. Again, this was a mistake. The B1G now has access to the Chicago, Detroit, New York, D.C., Pennsylvania and Ohio Markets. Cool, right. One problem: every one of those markets care WAY more about their professional sports teams than their college programs, so they won’t even bother with tuning into the network anyway. Outside of Pennsylvania and Ohio, top-notch quality recruits rarely come out of those other metro media market areas. If Nebraska would have stayed in the Big 12, we would have had access to recruiting hotbeds across through Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Antonio, Oklahoma City, St. Louis and Kansas City where viewers actually care about college football and the eyeballs of young talent will be on TV screens.

Nebraska put themselves in a geographical disadvantage for the supposed advantageous media market in terms of opportunities to see the Huskers in the flesh. As a student, travel destinations from Lincoln would have been a 3-hour drive to Lawrence, 2.5 hours to Manhattan, 5 hours to Columbia, 3.5 hours to Ames, 6.5 hours to Norman/Stillwater and 7 hours to Boulder (broooooooo). If a real road trip marathon is in order, try a 12-hour trip to Austin (Google “6th Street Austin), Waco or College Station. The best part about those road trips, Nebraska would probably win every one of those road games the way the talent stacks up today. Instead, Nebraska’s road game history to B1G destinations at Wisconsin, Northwestern, Minnesota, Ohio State, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State, Iowa have all included blowout losses to superior teams and upsets or nail-biter wins against inferior teams. Who wants to drive at least 9 hours with the exception of Iowa to watch that happen in person? The only successful road trip that comes to mind is a blowout win against a very bad Purdue team last year.

Finally, the level of competition in the B1G is extremely top-heavy compared to an imaginative contemporary Big 12. The Michigan-Michigan State and Michigan State-Ohio State rivalries have all been garbage since Nebraska joined the conference. Ohio State, Nebraska, Wisconsin, and Michigan State demolish just about everyone they play which is no fun to watch, and when the four teams play each other, Nebraska gets embarrassed and the other marquee top 3 teams play very un-inspiring games. Outside of the top-four teams, the rest of the conference stinks. In the imaginative Big 12, Oklahoma, Kansas State, Texas A&M, Mizzou, Baylor and Nebraska were all ranked highly at the start of October and were making a case to be not only conference championship contenders, but playoff contenders. Oklahoma State and Texas both have young teams and could be playoff contenders in the next couple years. Iowa State would continue to win games they have no business winning and Colorado, Kansas and Texas Tech would still be bad or weird, but could beat the B1G’s bottom three any day. Those are the teams Nebraska would be playing regularly. At this point in the season, Nebraska’s level of talent doesn’t make it hard to believe that they could run the table against any Big 12 challenger. In October, Nebraska would be facing off against those solid teams every week instead of bottom-dwellers like Rutgers, Northwestern or Illinois.

If Nebraska never left the Big 12, they would be playing ranked, highly-competitive teams on a weekly basis to put a quality product on the airwaves for high-profile talent in recruiting hotspots to see on television and position themselves geographically for reasonable travel distances to go see those games in person and drive home to Lincoln with a win.

If the Big 12 conference as it stood in 2011 never fell apart, Nebraska could be a part of what the SEC experiences with ranked teams facing off every week in entertaining games in primetime.

Missing your old friend Bob Stoops yet, Husker Nation?

1st Annual STBS Nebraska Football Preview

We’re about five weeks out from kickoff, which means I’m only about six months late on my 2014 Nebraska football predictions. Local sports radio talk shows are abuzz with summer practice gossip and rumors of QB controversies and Iowa fans still don’t know the Big 10 added two new teams to the conference (or know how to point out their states on a map). I’ll put my Iowa bashing on hold to say I’m really looking forward to football this season. Even though I won’t be able to make it to a home game this year, there’s plenty to be excited about.

This year the Big Red will usher in a new quarterback era to replace the human highlight reel we all came to know and love as T-Magic.

Ameer Abdullah, a dark horse Heisman contender, has the potential to put up at least 150 yards of total offense a game, but 800 against Iowa. Write that down.

We’ve got some very gifted athletes on the defensive side of the ball. I’m not going to say they’ll be better than the ’95 team, but they’re going to be. Write that down, too. One look at this clip of Vincent Valentine chasing down running backs gives me every reason to think he can anchor a defensive front fit to be dubbed Blackshirts:

I know all of you are excited to see my predictions. It’s probably going to be the most accurate out of my “professional” peers selections when we all look back on this season. So, here we go. Game-by-game.

Let’s rock.

Game 1: vs. Florida Atlantic

Owls are birds. Hawk(eye)s are [dumb] birds. Florida Atlantic is the Iowa of Florida football teams. I wouldn’t know who these guys are if Carl Pelini didn’t get fired for rollin’ doobies in the locker room after going 1-4 in C-USA play. But I’d want to get fired, too if I coached a team that is the Iowa of a state that everybody already hates for non-football reasons.

Prediction: 48-13

Game 2: vs. McNeese State

My suggestion for McNeese State is to stop by Runza before or after the game because it should be the only enjoyable part of the trip.

Prediction: 59-7 (But only because one guy juked some goon from Missouri out of his shoes and probably scored eight touchdowns on Mizzou. Gotta watch out for him.)

Game 3: at (why though?) Fresno State

Remember Derek Carr? As a sophomore he came to Lincoln and gave us a scare. He has a hot girlfriend, too. This game is in Fresno, so I’ll bet Carr’s girlfriend was the only hot one. But that’s irrelevant. Carr was drafted in the first round by the Raiders in April and Fresno State is kind of the new Boise State. Top dog in a bottom-tier conference with zero hot girlfriends now that Carr is in the NFL. Sweet, you guys.

Prediction: 41-20 But only because we leave at half to get In N’ Out.

Game 4: vs. The U(nderpants) lol

That’s right. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was a Hurricane. The Johnson Miami has now, besides their state looking like a gigantic one, is Duke Johnson. He’s pretty sweet, you guys.

They have Duke Johnson and that’s about it. The leader in the quarterback competition is Jake Heaps, a KU transfer who completed 49% of his passes with 10 interceptions to accompany his 8 TD tosses last year. But just for old times sake, I have to think the Huskers find a way to screw this one and do something weird at the end of the game like we did that one time. We have to lose at least one we shouldn’t on paper, right?

Prediction: 31-34

Game 5: vs. Illinois

Prediction: 44-17

Game 6: at Michigan State

Michigan State: the Ford Taurus of college football. You’re not going to look sexy anywhere you go, but you’ll get there. For the Spartans, getting there was 13-1 with a Rowe Bowl win, only four points short of going undefeated if it wasn’t for Notre Dame in late September. They return 10 starters on offense and six starters on defense. So they’ll be just as good and boring as last year. They’ll beat us some type of way.

See what I did there?

Prediction: 17-24

Game 7: at Northwestern

Pat Fitzgerald. I really don’t like that guy. Assuming Northwestern players have been studying for the LSAT instead of actual games, we should destroy. Not to mention people in Chicago don’t even like Northwestern, so it will basically be a home game again. Randy Gregory might even put renaissance studies major in a wheelchair. Nerds.

Prediction: 48-27

Game 8: vs Rutgers

Rutgers’s entire roster is made up of guidos. They don’t even wear helmets because they’re afraid it will ruin their hair. I’ll assume they’re all covered in tanning lotion and have pretty swoll biceps and triceps. Slippery at the specialty positions and muscular on the offensive line. Could be an interesting matchup for a Nebraska defense who struggled early last year. If their pre-game speech is anything like what I saw on Jersey Shore we should be okay.

Prediction: 38-17

Game 9: vs. Purdue

Purdue’s mascot is kind of like their team: a pointless giant man baby with a hammer that gives me the creeps. I don’t know what else to say, so let’s just say we beat them worse than last year and call it good.

Prediction: 35-10

Game 10: at Wisconsin

Mid-November. This is the time of year where we’ve lost two games and everybody is talking about firing Bo Pelini if he doesn’t win out and make it to the Big 10 Championship game, which is a funny coincidence because we’re playing Wisconsin on the road halfway through November! Wow! The last time we were beat by Wisconsin (moment of silence) they weren’t that great. They won’t be that great this year, either, but it’s Wisconsin on the road which has never been a good thing for Nebraska.

Prediction: 24-30

Game 11: vs. Minnesooooooooooootaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I heard if the Gophers ever have to go to a silent count, the coordinators hold up a picture of Garrison Keillor on the sideline. That’s not true, but it should happen. After a tough road loss Nebraska goes into revenge mode and delivers a country-style beat down to teams who have weird nicknames. This is also a funny coincidence because Minnesota beat us last year and they’re the Gophers. DOUBLE REVENGE MODE.

2013 defeat. 2014 redemption. 2014 taking it a little too far. 2014 celebration. It’s totally our hat.

Prediction: 51-17 (Style points for seniors final home game TRIPLE REVENGE MODE.)

Game 12: at Iowa

Losing by 21 last year at home was not fun. I’ll leave it at that.

Prediction: 24-10

GBR

“Let’s Just Say We Met at The Hot Dog Stand downtown.”

Liz Rudloff

Ohh, Tinder.

It intrigues me. Mostly because from what I’ve gathered about our society, we don’t like being judged and we certainly don’t like being judged based solely off of our looks. But that’s what Tinder is all about. This made me start thinking about two different things. One, how I view strangers on different social media platforms and two, why we purposely interact with complete strangers who are making the decision to MESSAGE us because of our physical features. I was able to tie the two together. This is how my perspective on strangers for the three main social media sites that I use: 

  Facebook: Why are you adding me? Who are you? Please don’t message me. Go away. 

  Twitter: Wooooo new follower. Woooooo got a favorite. Wooooo RT. DM, what? 

  Instagram: I don’t care who you are, just get me to 11 likes. 

Honestly, I don’t know…

View original post 929 more words

Love hard

I didn’t wake up Monday morning expecting to completely reevaluate the way I used my time on Earth by the end of the day. That’s what happens when life throws you a hard curveball and takes someone you know away forever. That’s what happened when I heard the news of Keaton Klein’s passing Monday afternoon.

Keaton and I were fraternity brothers and friends, but were never as close as the ones who were hit the hardest by his loss. Keaton to me was a firm handshake, a smile that lifted his cheeks to the corners of his eyes and a warm voice that made it hard not to take part in whatever he was about to get into. Over the three years I knew him, I could tell you he was a great guy.

That paragraph wouldn’t have been difficult to write if I wrote it in the present tense. Thinking about a person in the past tense, no matter how well you knew them, forces you to think harder about how you are spending your time in the present.

After getting the chance to drive to Lincoln and spend time with Delt with people who were lucky enough to be close to him during his time here, it didn’t take long to realize he lived in a very special way. One we call all learn from. Keaton did everything.

A lot of people look back on their lives after they have settled down and grown old and regret something they didn’t do. Keaton would have never had that problem. He saw the world. He ran with the bulls. He saw the lights and heard the sounds of countless concerts and shows. He tailgated for the Huskers with every ounce of his body on Saturdays and his heart Lambeau Leaped for the Packers every Sunday. When he partied, he made sure everyone near him had a night they would have trouble remembering the next day but would never forget it years later.

Keaton Klein packed a full life into the 21 years he was given. A life cut short is something that will always be difficult to deal with, but a life well lived is something everyone who knew him can be proud of and smile about.

The silver lining of Keaton’s passing shows us that there is nothing keeping us from living the same way he did. Love hard. Hug a little longer. Tell those around you how much you appreciate them. When an opportunity presents itself, go for it. Always keep a smile on your face. That’s how Keaton lived in the three years I was fortunate enough to know him and it’s how I think he would all want us to be while he looks upon us from a better place.

Rah Delt. Go Big Red. Peace be the journey, Keaton. We’ll never forget you.

Dad knows

Ask your parents who you called for after scraping a knee on a playground. Chances are it was Mom you called to for a bandage. As humans, we naturally flock to our mothers for the immediate care that we need. That’s how most infants are in the animal kingdom. It’s instinct. Mothers shelter us until we’re mentally, physically and emotionally strong enough to go out on our own. Any Animal Planet documentary will show you the same thing.

After thinking about this, it seems like there isn’t a lot of room for Dad in the child development process.

There comes a time where you don’t need Mom as much as you used to. A lot of the care she provided we can do on our own now. I’m a big boy at age 22. I know where to find toilet paper at Walmart and I know how to put on a bandage so I don’t rip the scab off and cry like I’m 5 again. We have different problems now that need a different kind of help.

At this point in our lives instead of telling Mom,”Help me now,” we seek Dad for guidance and ask, “What do I do now?”

Dad can help because he always knows.

Dad knows the right mechanic to go to so you don’t get ripped off. Dad knows how bad of a job you did mowing the yard and will tell you how to fix it. Dad knows you’ll like beer someday and he’ll be ready to drink you under the table when you get there. Dad knows he didn’t make it to the NFL and that you probably won’t either so he has fun instead of worrying about being good. Dad knows when your face is too scruffy or when the skirt is too short. Dad knows he gets the final seal of approval on girlfriends and that he can scare the boyfriend into having his little girl home by midnight. Mom knows we’ll always be her little baby, but Dad knows when his boy becomes a man, and his daughter becomes a woman.

We may have instinctively known how to call for Mom as a little kid, but now we call for Dad because we know he has the answers.

We need dads more than we think we do because they give us the kind of help and guidance that has usually gone unnoticed. Take Father’s Day to thank a father or father figure for being there.

To my dad who always knows what to do, thank you. Have an awesome Father’s Day.

How to not get hired by the L.A. Times

My laptop started running short of storage space a couple days ago, so I decided the first thing that needed to go was the mountain of word documents I saved. I put everything I wanted to save in one folder and everything I wanted to delete in another.

At least 30 salvaged documents were applications to different newspapers for summer internships I filled out last fall through spring. The 31st application landed me a job at the San Antonio Express-News. One of the internship applications I filled out, but knew I wouldn’t be accepted to, was to the Los Angeles Times.

In return for my efforts with the L.A. Times internship application, I received an automated rejection letter. Even though I knew I wouldn’t get the internship, it’s a dream of mine to work there someday. If I do end up working there, I’m going to frame my essay and hang it in whatever office space I am provided. Until then, it will be motivation to get there.

Here it is: LAtimesEssay

Oh the times they are a-changin’

Every generation has one of those moments when they get a reminder of how old they are. If you don’t feel a little old, there will be kids starting high school next year that were born in the year 2000. To make it even worse, some of them have had cell phones for half of their lives. Before you get sad about how old you are and beat yourself senseless with your Motorola Razr, pause that rerun of Boy Meets World and think about how old old people actually are. This is anybody born before 1970.

I feel especially old because I enjoy 80s music. I don’t enjoy 80s music the same way most people my age enjoy it I have two Hall & Oates records on vinyl and go on Depeche Mode benders on occasion. I’m weird about the 80s.

You start to feel young again when you hear things in songs that don’t factor into your daily life.

I regained my youth when I listened to this song by Phil Collins:

Billy, Billy don’t you lose my number
Cos you’re not anywhere
That I can find you
Oh now Billy, Billy don’t you lose my number
Cos you’re not anywhere that I can find you, oh no

There’s a problem with this song, and the problem is that the problem in this song wouldn’t be a problem at all if Collins wrote it in 2014. The conflict is that Billy probably wouldn’t have to worry about losing a number because it would be saved in his contacts. This song wouldn’t have been written because of advances in technology.

You’ve heard this next song a thousand times. Not only is it 1,000x dirtier than I originally thought, but it takes the listener back to a wholesome period of time where adolescents had to see boobies the old way.

It’s okay I understand
This ain’t no never never land
I hope that when this issue’s gone
I’ll see you when your clothes are on

Take you car, yes we will
We’ll take your car and drive it
We’ll take it to a motel room
And take ’em off in private

A part of me has just been ripped
The pages from my mind are stripped
Oh no, I can’t deny it
Oh yea, I guess I gotta buy it

My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centerfold
Angel is the centerfold

The poor kid actually has to go out and purchase a Playboy if he wants to get his daily fill of awesome boobage for the day between classes. If you’re at least 13 years old today, you’re probably able to ramble off 19 different porn sites and which one of your horny friends has a password to each one before you can google what a centerfold actually is. Boobs are literally EVERYWHERE on the internet. This song wouldn’t be able to top the charts today because “I google ‘boobies’ for my angel” aren’t very catchy modernized lyrics.

My generation is the most flagrant abuser of technology as a means of avoiding human interaction. It wouldn’t be a problem when Men at Work busted out their sexy saxes in 1981.

Who can it be knocking at my door?
Go away, don’t come ’round here no more
Can’t you see that it’s late at night?
I’m very tired and I’m not feeling right
All I wish is to be alone
Stay away, don’t you invade my home
Best off if you hang outside
Don’t come in, I’ll only run and hide

Because most people my age will call or text the word “outside” or “here” to the person they’re seeing before arriving at their home instead of knocking on the door or ringing a doorbell, Colin Hay wouldn’t have to ask, “Who can it be now?”

Billy could have texted “here” to the narrator of “Don’t lose my number” and looked at boobies on his phone while he waited for the person to come outside almost like the 80s never happened.

If you’ve ever had to worry about someone losing your phone number, smuggled titty mags into school or actually rang a real life doorbell, I’m sorry, but you have five years before you wither into a wrinkly mess in your Winger t-shirt and die of old age.

Don’t worry, older folks. Our time to feel old will come when we have to explain to our kids that phones were once used to call people when they hear “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen.

Advice for my generation: ring a doorbell every once in a while and do your part to keep print journalism alive by picking up a Hustler at your local seedy gas station like God intended.